It’s been so far a good deployment. But I keep finding myself looking at my past and everything that happened. All the mistake I made and chances I passed up. I never knew how it would affect my life now. I got alot on my plate so much it’s hard to live a regular life. I miss so many of my friends i lost contact with. I made so many new friends on the way but nothing can replace the old ones. I’m currently Serving in the army in South East Afghanistan Things just seem to be getting better environmental wise. Im getting use to the heat and the cold at night. Im doing the best I can with my time spent here losing weight and working out the best I can. Pulling guard duty is interesting being very professional with everything I while in uniform. Things still aren’t getting better for my memories I got to figure it all out. It’s not affecting my duty or my service while working just when Im currently not busy all I Can think about is home and my mistakes. Im not having retarded self hurting thoughts. Im just like wow I messed the fuck up. Sometimes It takes time to realise what you lost to understand what you had. I lost alot in the past more then I ever expected to lose. The best support I had though all this has to be my brother and mom. Guys in the platoon understand and listen but don’t really have any advice. Im currently working my ass off now volunteering to keep busy no matter what when I have nothing to do it affects me to much. I just want to get rid of this crutch I have cigs. I have done so many bad things it’s time to meditate and figure things out I just wish I could be forgiven.

I guess I owe it to myself to talk about the human mind and look at it through my points of view. I have been dealing with alot lately seeing how deployment is comming up. Im on vacation right now I guess you can say I took 10 days leave. I really needed it to recover my past and make the relationships I needed the most. I wanted to figure my life out before it ends. I have always enjoyed watching others and manipulating them to do my bidding I would call them my projects. I would test them and use them until they either recieved the help they needed or I got tired. I have had many project which I enjoyed and many which I rather I never started. I beleive I could understand an outcome before it happened. But the human mind can make a move which changes all the out comes. I have lost many of these battles even my first love. I didn’t understand how someone like me would live his life. So I tried living my life though others. I never expected I would fall into a slumber trying to figure out the human emotion. I could have done almost anything and never ended up with so much grief as i do now from my past actions. The road is a long one we call life There are so many choices we have to make and even the small ones have an out come in our life. I wish I was much stronger at the time I made so many wrong choices, but in time you find out you learn from your mistakes or you die from them. Luckily for me I am still alive. I breath the same air you do, but I live my life on another level. When you see a problem I see an answer when you think it is unsolvable I find a glimpse of hope and correct the littlest thing and solve it all. I never wish for this life I have now, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I can change who I am what I want all in mere secs of thought. I find myself thinking about life and how extraordinary it is. I have faced many of my biggest fears face to face and lived to tale the tale. I have been through enough to think I know it all.

But I never thought I would fall in love. I never thought some random girl would change everything. I never knew this feeling I thought I lost it. My first love was spacticualar a wonderful feeling I never thought would repeat it’s self. Yet time has shown me you can’t always control your fate. Something will arise and change things up. I never expected it to be this soon. This wonderful girl I met took me wrapped me in a warming blanket and comforted me from all my past fears. I never knew such a human being could exist. This can’t be real this cant be true there has to be a catch. Nothing in life is free. Is this my payment for being put through so much pain. Is this my angel standing beside me and protecting me in person. She is so much like me. She cares her self so well and it’s remarkable being able to call her mine. It such short time she went from being just someone I met to being the one girl I don’t want to let go. I always wanted to love someone and help them, but I never expected the opposite. She has changed my life rather she chooses to stay or to leave is apart of her human nature. But I will never forget the day she changed me mind set and let me know I could love again. Thank You Jessica Your wonderful

I really enjoyed these two commercials that came out a while back. I mean wow freedom isn’t just a loose term anymore everything needs to be on a level of bliss. Freedom is that level people helping people no more the whole idea of trying to be better then someone else. If people saw what life is really about they would realise they could save so much money have so much more fun. Stop being angry all the time. I believe in Freedom Software not Piracy. Piracy gets us no where I use to pirate software more then other but the sad thing was I was writing the scripts and releasing them to the consumer to use, Because I believed I was better then the software company trying to make selling products to the ignorant consumer. Wow I was wrong and I got many e-mail from different company’s talking about court and copyright infringement. Wow I realised if I stayed on that route I would be in prison in no time. So I made a Vow to learn to live without restriction get away from the walls. I moved to linux and it is now my new frontier. I enjoy using it and It feels better working with it because you feel like for once you have control over your pc and it’s working for you not against you. I can’t believe how easy the move was to linux either It really change my whole view on the linux operating system. The sad thing about windows if you ever have an error. You have to call them up wait for a representative to get on the phone wait for he/him to read to you what to do. Wow If they are reading it to you it means that the issue has been there for a while so why not go ahead and fix it already. With linux I just login into and irc chat throw my issue into the room explain what I did, and boom so many solutions pop up and I never have the error again. it’s sad because when there is no one in the irc chat room. I just search for answers in my search engine perifibly google and boom there is my answer. If your scared about switching over to linux it’s okay windows has made its name by advertising it’s the best but the sad thing is have you even seen the recent reviews windows has done nothing but sell lies and market Ideas that are based on false hope. Linux has to be the answer to many of our problems. When was the last time you read about windows being ran on a super computer I only know of one and that is Dawning 5000A and it is rated lowest of the super computers. Well anyways I suggest you at least try a live linux dvd/cd You don’t even have to install it. It’s That simple.

I find myself falling in and out of thoughts. Thinking About my past and my future. I guess the mind can travel father then the body. I can’t interpret all my feelings or emotions it seems so clouded. I can’t seem to make sense of so many things. Kinda sad when you admit to yourself why you joined the army was so you could have a family and have a control in your life. I enjoy having guide lines and a reason to do things. I feel like I’m in school again I’m just trying my best to reach the top. Yeah from times to time I act immature on the job, but it’s all for fun to try to keep things interesting. I’m always serious when needed. I use to do the bare minimum just to get by and now I find myself actually working to make things better for myself. I have found a centrer for my actions. I have to figure out how to Improve many things about myself. I guess everyone does, but I guess everyone wants to be the best at some things. Isn’t that common though to find yourself trying to improve for the better. I mean wow I used to be so lazy relying on nothing but my mother and friends to get me though things. Never tackling things on my own. I guess I’m a little codependent on some levels. But since I have joined the army I feel like I’m honestly living my own life now. I feel a purpose to make the improvements. I guess I honestly need to start posting on here more so I can read my own thoughts and improvements I have made.

On a family note When it comes down to blood. I believe parents are what make us strongest in our lives. There actions influence who we want to be in the future. Weather we like it or not it all ways comes down to that conclusion. I don’t understand how some people explain them self as making it on there own. When really we have been raised up on the morals on our parents. Yes I will admit it some morals aren’t that great neither are most parents. But just be glad you have parents and a start at life. Even if you where a planned child or not they brought you into this world. Gave you the chance to grow and did there best to raise you. As you mature they get scared and worry. It may seem like they want you to leave but think of it this way. Would you rather always be attached to someone else not living your own life. Having to rely on them for everything. I honestly can’t see myself doing that I rather live on a level where I control my actions and do what I want when I want too. Either way Appreciate your family there the only true value we have in this world.

I plan on making a few more post in the future explaining more about myself but I thought it might be best for this to be my first post.